Celebrate Life with One Last Party ™
July 1, 2010
One Last Party ™ is an opportunity to celebrate and honor your loved one with food, drinks, and fellowship, while tending to the emotional and relational needs of family and friends. This can take the place of the traditional visitation, or after the funeral/memorial service, and can be held in our spacious community room, or at our One Last Party™ partner, Vannelli’s by the Lake in downtown Forest Lake.
We are in the beginning stages of incorporating this unique experience in honoring and celebrating the life lived.
There will be additional information coming soon.
Seeing is believing….
June 7, 2010
” Seeing is believing,” is what I often hear when Tim is explaining the value of viewing their deceased loved one. I recently ran across the following article that describes the message that Tim & many funeral professionals pass along everyday.
Most people have heard the old saying “seeing is believing”… but many people have also lived through a life experience which gave them a deep, emotional understanding of this simple phrase. Consider what happens when a parent receives call from their child’s school saying that their child has been hurt on the school yard. They’re told that the child is ok but still they’ll spend the rest of their work day counting the minutes…waiting to see their child….because seeing is believing.
Consider what happened to our entire society when the planes flew into the twin towers on Sept 11 2001. Within minutes of hearing the news over, televisions across the country were turned on as people watched the videos over and over again. They have estimated that over 90% of American’s saw the videos the first day. Many people had the TV on all day watching the videos over and over again, trying to grasp the magnitude of the moment, trying to come to grips with the trauma…because seeing is believing.
The burning desire to See is the natural human response to any traumatic event. Seeing the event, or seeing the aftermath of the event, makes the traumatic event real. It’s already real on an intellectual level as soon as we hear about the event, but to make it real on an emotional level we must See.
Psychologists tell us that all traumatic events introduce a certain amount of chaos into our lives and that the lingering effects of chaos is what most people refer to as grief. They also tell us that the need to See is tied to our need to bring order out of chaos and in doing so to minimize the long term grief that is associated with the traumatic event.
Back in 1969, Elizabeth Kubler Ross in her book “Death and Dying” described 5 stages of grief. The 5 stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These widely accepted stages are now taught in every psychology program in the country. We can try to deny the stages….but we cannot avoid them. The 5 stages are fundamental to our human nature. We move through these stages so that we can bring order to chaos and begin to accept the event. Seeing the outcome of a traumatic event is a critical component of Acceptance. In fact, without Seeing it is extremely hard to get to the point of Acceptance or ever move to the point of experiencing emotional healing.
Consider the difference between the painful death of a loved one versus the disappearance of a loved one. With a death and the reality of saying goodbye to your loved one you can eventually move through grief, reach Acceptance and on some level…heal. But with a disappearance there is no closure. You will experience grief but you will never reach Acceptance, instead you will be bogged down in Depression….sometimes you will stay there for the rest of your life.
A common point of debate in our culture today is whether or not there should be a public viewing of the body after the death of a loved one. Some people think that the viewing makes it even harder for the family. In fact, viewing the body plays an extremely important role in moving a person through the five stages of grief in a healthy way.
If someone you care about passes away you can never avoid grief you can only move through it. Seeing the remains of a loved one is an undeniable confirmation of the death. For those who are stuck in the first stage of grief (i.e, Denial) it empowers them to move forward through the grief process and to eventually heal from the loss.
Seeing the final disposition of the body is also critically important because it brings closure to the traumatic event. Whether it be the lowering of a casket into a grave or the scattering of cremated remains, it is important for everyone who had an emotional connection to the deceased to witness the final ceremony. Only by experiencing this final goodbye ceremony firsthand can we find closure and begin healing.
Some people who are preplanning their own funerals wrongly assume that they are making it easier for their family by requesting no viewing of their remains. Sadly, they are actually making it harder for their family. Allowing their body to be present is actually the last meaningful gift that they can give to their loved ones. Their soul may have departed but their earthly body will help those who remain accept the loss and begin their journey through the natural grief process towards emotional healing.
Always remember…if someone you love passes away you cannot avoid grief. Instead you should reach out to others who can help you navigate this difficult time so that you can honor their life, accept the loss and begin emotional healing.
Seeing is believing.
And believing leads to Emotional Healing…..
Posted with permission by John Callaghan
Honoring our Fallen Heroes
May 28, 2010
Arlington National Cemetery
As I read through the paper last evening, I saw the Memorial Day Sale Ads everywhere . . . and it made me think. . . “How Did Memorial Day even begin?” Here’s a quick history lesson and several great ways to observe Memorial Day.
Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day – a day of remembrance for those who died in our nation’s service. Memorial Day was officially proclaimed on May 5, 1868 by General John Logan and was first observed on May 30, 1868 when flowers were placed on the graves of Union and Confederate soldiers at Arlington National Cemetery.
In 1915, inspired by the poem “In Flanders Field”, Moina Michael wrote her own poem:
We cherish too, the Poppy red
That grows on fields where valor led,
It seems to signal to the skies
That blood of heroes never dies.
She conceived an idea to wear red poppies on Memorial Day to honor those who have died serving our nation during war. Moina was the first American to wear a poppy and sold poppies to people in her community donating the money to benefit servicemen in need. The popularity of her idea continued to spread and in 1922, the VFW became the first veterans’ organization to nationally sell artificial poppies made by disable veterans.
As the traditional meaning and observances of Memorial Day have changed, I would like to encourage everyone to observe this holiday this year by:
Attend the local Forest Lake Memorial Day Ceremony at Lakeside Park.
Visit cemeteries and place flags or flowers on the graves of our fallen heroes.
Visit Veterans Memorials in Minnesota.
Fly our U.S. Flag at half-staff until noon on Memorial Day
Participate in a “National Moment Of Remembrance” — at 3:00 PM on Memorial Day, pause and think upon the true meaning of the day.
Enjoy this holiday weekend. Commit to observing Memorial Day in several of the ways I have suggested.
Tim Tarmann,
Roberts Family Funeral Home
Certified Funeral Celebrant Services (Video)
April 28, 2010
Growing Through Loss Series
March 18, 2010
The purpose of this series is to provide an opportunity for individuals to obtain information and support for a variety of loss and grief issues.
Have you experienced?
• The death of a loved one
• Divorce or separation
• Aftermath of a suicide
• Loss of job, home, health — other losses
• A loved one needing your support
Do you feel?
• In need of support
• Interested in learning more about grief
• Interested in learning ways of helping others through grief?
Place:
Faith Lutheran Church
886 N. Shore Drive
Forest Lake, MN 55025
Time: 7-9 p.m.
Registration: 6:45-7 p.m.
Large group presentation: 7-8 p.m.
Small groups: 8-9 p.m.
Schedule
Each session is complete in itself. You’re welcome to attend one or all.
April 5 — Jennifer Silvera
April 12 — Bob & Carolyn Kluk
April 19 — Rev. Paul Brown
April 26 — Linda Cherek
May 3 — Gena Doyscher
May 10 — Linda Lehmann
Valentine’s Day Luncheon
February 4, 2010
Urns
January 28, 2010
Urns, Urns, and more Urns! All different sizes, shapes, wood, brass, glass, metal, you get the picture with cremation being as prevalent, we are inendated with companies that sell them. When we help families choose an urn for their loved one, we often try and keep the choices some what limited as it can be overwhelming to people who are grieving. If they are looking for more of a choice, of course we have 10 plus catalogs that we can provide as well. Sometimes not even an urn is chosen, we have had cookie jars, ceramic pots, families have even made their own. I did run across a company called Urns.com, yes you can buy urns on the internet. www.urns.com has a nice variety and a lot of choices, they also have a great blog, http://blog.urns.com/ where they have a wealth of information about cremation, advanced funeral planning, anything related to our industry. Whether from our catalog, the internet, or perhaps something from home, the most important detail, is that it has significance to the family we are helping.
My Job, My Ministry
November 30, 2009
The bonfire at Rick's Visitation
When it becomes known that I am a funeral director, everyone has a story or questions. This happened to me at church. A friend of our family told us of the brother, Rick’s recent diagnosis with lung cancer. As a church small group we prayed for Rick and healing. In late August, I was telephoned to ask if I would be willing to sit with Rick and his wife, Mary and talk about funerals and options. I agreed to meet and then wondered what I would say as the questions can be difficult as this 51 year old man faced his death. During that discussion, I tried to get to know Rick and Mary and what is important to them and their family. As we talked about funeral options, Rick was very committed to donating his body to medical research. We talked through the process of medical donation. Then, I asked Rick how he wanted to remembered. That is a difficult question and created tears for everyone, including me. Throughout Rick’s comments, he continuously talked about having a bonfire like he created at his home. I asked some questions about his bonfires. As he talked with excitement, he shared that his fires were at least ten foot square in size and the flames were even or higher! We laughed about the heat, the length of time the fires would burn and how all his family would attend just to see what Rick was burning this time! As I understand, he could have more than twenty-five people there to share in Rick’s love of fire! As our conversation came to a close, a some decisions about Rick’s Celebration Of His Life were decided. We would plan a gathering of his family and friends here at the funeral home where we would have a “Star Wars” Christmas tree, his fishing gear, a photo tribute of favorite pictures and several special photos from Rick and Mary’s recent trip to Maui. We would hold a memorial service at Eaglebrook Church – a church that became very important to Rick since his diagnosis. During this service, we would ask a few family members and friends to share about Rick’s life – keeping the service upbeat and personal. Rick would spend some time with Pastor Greg to put everything in place.
Rick’s sister and brother-in-law continued to give our small group updates on his conditions and what “event” this family was doing while Rick was able. We prayed for Rick and Mary. Somehow, I thought Rick would have “the will to live” to make it to his birthday and then Christmas before God called him home. I followed Rick’s journey on his Caring Bridge site and knew he was fighting as hard as he could to keep living, however at the same time, I knew he was ready to die and knew that his Eternal Home was waiting for him. Mary emailed me and told me it she didn’t think Rick would be with us much longer. She wanted to be sure to have Rick’s fingerprints to have some special pieces of jewelry created for the kids. How would she take his thumb prints? What should she do? I offered to go to their home to help with this task. When I arrived at the house, I was unsure of what to say. I was anxious to see Rick again. Before I was able to be with Rick, I was introduced to several of his children and two of his sisters for the first time. I felt like a friend, however, everyone knew I was the funeral director who had talked with Rick creating a bit of awkwardness. I went into the living room, sat beside Rick’s bed and quietly held his hand as I talked to Rick and listened to Mary as she loving comforted him. I quietly took a fingerprint of Rick’s left thumb and before I left, I silently prayed that God would continue to be with Rick as he journeyed through his final days here on earth.
To my surprise, Rick died an hour after I left his home. I was overwhelmed with the news and amazed at how quickly God called Rick to his eternal home. The following day, Rick’s family met with me at the funeral home to finalize the plans we had talked about just a month ago. As we talked about Rick’s wishes, I needed to talk to Rick’s family about what had been going on in my mind. . . . “Bonfires were so important to Rick, how could we have a bonfire at the funeral home? I told myself, that’s crazy, we can’t do that. . . . but then an idea occurred. What if we had a fire bowl outside the front entry? Could we safely do this to honor Rick? We could have a “fire attendant” and maybe roast marshmallows and make S’mores too.” I looked at Mary and said “What do you think of that idea?” Tears immediately filled her eyes showing her emotional “yes, that’s perfect.” I then learned that Rick always built a “kid fire” whenever he had a bonfire. We would create Rick’s Kid Fire outside the funeral home and our group from church would attend the fire. During the gathering of friends and family everyone attending was welcomed by Rick’s Fire. The smiles and comments validated the need to personalize Rick’s gathering. As everyone left the funeral home, they gathered by the fire for a final memory of Rick that evening. People commented about the smell of the fire . . . “It even smells like Rick too!”
For me as a funeral director, I was honored to serve good friends. It was good to sit with Rick and talk about his wishes. I’m sure he and Mary had lots to talk about after the funeral home. Gathering information in advance was helpful to them as well as me. I truly believe my job is my unique ministry. I will continue to listen to my heart and my mind when an idea arises!
Tim Tarmann
Growing Through Loss Series
September 15, 2009
The purpose of this series is to provide an opportunity for individuals to obtain information and support for a variety of loss and grief issues.
Place:
St. Bridget of Sweden Catholic Church
13060 Lake Blvd, Lindstrom, MN
Time: 7-9 PM
Registration: 6:45 – 7 PM
Lecture: 7-8 PM
Small groups: 8-9 PM
Schedule
Each session is complete in itself. You’re welcome to attend one or all.
Oct. 5–Sarah Mitzuk- “No, You’re not crazy, you’re grieving”
Oct 12– Jim Trudeau, former Forest Lake Police Chief, Washington County Sheriff- speaking on Law Enforcement & Notification of Loss
Oct. 19–Cathy Seehuettter and panel speaking on child loss
Oct. 26– Sandy Swenson and Gina Doyscher speaking on spouse loss
Nov. 2– Ed Holland “Where is God when it Hurts?”
Nov. 9– Linda Lehman “How to Get through the Holidays
For more information contact Directors:
Gloria Larsin 651-257-1047
Beth Lawrence 651-464-3395
Helping People
January 23, 2009
Last year we initiated a grief support group facilitated by Therapist Lee Erickson from the Center for Grief Loss & Transition located in St. Paul. We recently formed an alliance with Lee where he helps our families with their grief and loss following the funeral, and are in the process of scheduling additional grief support sessions for March of this year. We are grateful to have such a great resource with the education and experience that Lee brings to help those in need. Lee will also be regular on this blog, here is more information about Lee Erickson:
Lee Erickson is a member of the professional staff at the Center for Grief, Loss and Transition in St. Paul, Minnesota. He provides therapy for adults, children and adolescents and facilitates both the spouse loss and homicide loss therapy groups.
Lee became interested in grief and loss after the unexpected death of his brother in 2002. In his late thirties, he went back to school to pursue a master’s degree in counseling and psychology, which he completed in 2006. Lee also has a Licensed Professional Counselor licensure which he received in June of 2008.
“I have always been interested in grief and loss and being with people during what, for many, is the most difficult time in their lives. I’ve come to learn that grief is a process that changes as we move through it and that there can be meaning and purpose for those who engage with their grief,” said Erickson.
Lee previously worked in advertising, marketing and communications and was a recruiter for a staffing company. He has lived on both coasts but landed back in Minnesota to continue his education. Lee holds a Master’s Degree in Counseling and Psychology from St. Mary’s University of Minnesota.
Lee has partnered with Roberts Family Funeral Home in the Spring of 2008 when he led a 10-week Grief Support Group at Roberts Family Funeral Home in Forest Lake.
“I was really touched by the courage and bravery of the people who attended the Grief Support Group sponsored by Roberts Family Funeral Home. Here were people had lost a loved one who came together to share stories and friendship with one another. I found the people and the stories to be inspiring,” said Erickson.